Just sad.

I am really fucking sad today. I had a whole list of reasons why when I was eating my lunch, but now – none of them even seem relevant.

My day started out fine; I had my coffee & went for a run. My run time was shit but I expect that because I am still adjusting to running in Florida humidity in the summer.

I got a little stressed out because of something that happened but that was out of my control, and in the grand scheme of things not that big of a deal.

But then, I had a sudden feeling of just sadness. Bill left on Tuesday, so I guess maybe part of it is missing him. Once I get sad & to the point where I am crying manically, it is like a downward spiral. My self-deprecating thoughts start to take over & it is a challenge to get those thoughts to stop. The primary thought at the front of my brain is that I am an inconvenience to those who love me, I don’t have a support system, and the hard things that other people go through are more important than my own.

Of those, the thought that screams the loudest is that I do not have a support system. Deep down in my soul, I know I have a support system. But it is hard to tell people how and what I feel. I struggle with being honest with my family about how I feel. I even sent two people a text earlier that said I was really fucking sad today, but I unsent it. I guess that goes back to always thinking the thoughts in my head & what I am going through is not as important to others as it is to me.