today has been an especially sad day.
it marks 4 months since my soul dog, aspen, passed away. simultaneously, it is what would have been 6 years since we brought her home – the first anniversary of having her since she’s been gone. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her all day. I realize I never wrote a blog about her when she died, but I don’t regret it. I remember a day or two after she died, I thought I was going to die. the pain and the grief was so profound I didn’t think I would make it through. I wasn’t in a place where I felt like I could write about her.
I still don’t feel like I am there, but today I feel like I owe it to her to write about her. today would have been 6 years with her, and I think that is the part I am struggling with the most. she was so young…too young if you ask me. before she got sick, I really thought I had at least 5 more years with her. I am not going to recap the whole 10 months she was sick. I will never forget that time in my life and it hurts too much to type it all out – to document it.
it is hard to put what I am feeling into words. sometimes I think – she was a dog; why do I feel like I lost my best friend? it is because I lost my best friend. when people say “dogs are a (wo)man’s best friend”, they are talking about aspen. she was the best good girl and she loved me deeply. I will never be able to articulate the joy and happiness she brought to my life. she understood me in a way that I will never comprehend. how can a dog be as in tune with my feelings as she was? she knew when I was happy and she comforted me when I was sad.
sometimes when I look at pictures and videos of her it is almost as though I could reach out and touch her.. I can’t look at the photos very often because it feels like losing her all over again.
after aspen died I immediately knew I wanted to get a puppy. I had been talking about getting another puppy for a couple of years, but kept putting it off. I especially put it off when aspen got so sick and she was in and out of the hospital. in November, just one month and one day after aspen died, we brought home willow – another brindle female French bulldog. there were a couple of days that I felt like I had made a mistake. not because I didn’t love her and wasn’t over the moon happy to have her. I just wasn’t sure I had allowed myself enough time to grieve. did part of me worry that people would think I was just moving on to the next great thing? that I didn’t love aspen enough to wait on getting another puppy? or that I was just counting down the days for her to die so I could move one? none of those things are true. and even if people thought that – who cares what others think anyway? I knew what I wanted and what was right for me and my family. of course I doubted myself and wondered if I was rushing it. but i know deep in my soul I made the right decision in bringing willow home and I am so thankful and happy for the joy, love, and healing she has brought into my life.
yes, I miss aspen and grieve her deeply. yes, I am also overjoyed to have willow in my life and I am in no way trying to use her as a replacement for aspen. two things can be true at one time. I can be sad for what I have lost and happy for what I have gained simultaneously. and I know that to be true in the depths of my soul.
no one tells you about the pain you will endure when losing your heart dog. but they also don’t tell you the joy that will consume you with the one they send you after to love again. aspen knew her time was coming to an end, so she sent me willow and for that I will be forever grateful.
Vagabond Texan 